Only Moments Ago
DOORBELL: RING-RING...RING-RING-RING !!!!!
Me: *must be one of my friends dropping in EW! Glee! Only happy friends ring the doorbell like that!!! :)* Who could it beee!?...I answer the door to find some skinny stranger dude with a GIGANTIC handlebar moustache, which makes him look like a big tall thin letter T. He did. He looked just like the letter T. (More like the capital letter T than a lower case letter t).
My happy-happy joyous 'friend visiting feeling' is quickly replaced with : *what's he selling and why did he ring my doorbell 6,000 times? Isn't once enough? Once is plenty. It costs ME like 10cents every time someone rings the doorbell, which I can TOTALLY afford, I can, but for a FRIEND maybe, not some freaky serial killer. Yeah, he's a serial killer, cuz only a serial killer would opt for PRESS-PRESS, PRESS-PRESS-PRESS ringing a strangers doorbell.
Skinny stranger dude with a giant handlebar moustache making himself look like a big letter T aka "FREAKY MOUSTACHE GUY": Pointing behind himself at my car, which bizarrely enough is no longer in my driveway, but RATHER in the middle of the road. CRAZY MAN says to me in WAAAY TOO LOUD voice, like he's YELLING, like I'm at the backdoor, but I wasn't I was right in front of him, so it was totally unnecessary, asks "IS THAT YOUR CAR?????!!!!!!!!"
Me: Forgetting about his utter weirdness, his Yosemite Sam meets Stretch Armstrong self "Oh yeah, that's my car." I answer smiling in disbelief like my dog has just wandered away and crapped the BIGGEST CRAP imaginable on my neighbour’s lawn and I'm PROUD of it. Cuz if Simon had had an ENORMOUS crap, I would be happy for him, but know I'd have to go pick it up.
Now, if it's not bad enough to have my total relaxation being interrupted at the exact moment when I'm enjoying the way the sun beams in through the window at these precise time of day, hits my leg in that warm, "hi, I'm summer and I'm here now, winter is so gone, you can totally forget about him" was RIPPED out of my clutches by some skinny handlebar moustache toting cowboy wanna be loud taker and here's what he says next:
(here's the clincher - buckle up)
FREAKY MOUSTACHE GUY in his WAY TOO LOUD VOICE: "YOU FORGOT TO USE YOUR EMERGENCY BRAKE AND YOUR CAR HAS DRIFTED DOWN YOUR LANEWAY, EVERYONE WAS WATCHING. AND OH, BY THE WAY YOUR KEY IS STILL IN YOUR DOOR." (Notice I changed the colour, because this is the colour of his voice, nausiating and such)
Which roughly translates into: "Heh heh, I was right you're a total looooser." Like my key being in the door was all the proof he needed to prove that I was negligent. He used that "Na-na, na, na, na-na" tempo which make me want to punch him in the head, rip off his stupid moustache and shove it down his long thin throat to watch him gag on it and choke to death. Completely unecessary attitude. He was so....Snotty!
I looked at him in disbelief.
He actually said that! Not the you're a loser part, I made that up. But the "Everyone was watching" part. I'm like, yeah, really? Everyone eh? So the crowd just magically disappeared the moment my door opened I guess eh? A magical disappearing crowd of neighbours, yeah, that happens all the time. Maybe they were staring at your moustache! You LOUD SPEAKING skinny letter T freak! Oh, or maybe they're HIDING IN YOUR MOUSTACHE, cuz that's a lot more likely. HEY! EVERYONE COME OUT NOW! IT'S SAFE, THE CAR HAS STOPPED MOVING!!!!
So, naturally I yell out to OMAR "Hey - come see this!!" He missed the total FREAKAZOID, because like his "alleged crowd" he sort of vanished into thin air. Omar was amazed at the sight of the car all the way across the road. I took a picture of it. But I don't really want you to know where I live, cuz you could be as freaky as this guy.
Here's the part I really miss, I didn't have the chance to close on this... I hop into the car, with nobody looking and I mean NOOOOO BODY, I hop into the car and the emergency brake is ON!! I KNOW!! It was so totally ON - pulled up, IN THE UP POSITION. If you were miniature little skiiers, you could totally ski down it. I look around to see if EVERYONE can see! So I can point and say SEE! SEE! The skinny freaky loud moustache T-man was WRONG! WRONG WRONG WRONG....So. Very. Wrong.
Even though I left the key in the door on purpose.... I'm busted on the door key thing. But I own his skinny ass on the emergency brake.
Me: *must be one of my friends dropping in EW! Glee! Only happy friends ring the doorbell like that!!! :)* Who could it beee!?...I answer the door to find some skinny stranger dude with a GIGANTIC handlebar moustache, which makes him look like a big tall thin letter T. He did. He looked just like the letter T. (More like the capital letter T than a lower case letter t).
My happy-happy joyous 'friend visiting feeling' is quickly replaced with : *what's he selling and why did he ring my doorbell 6,000 times? Isn't once enough? Once is plenty. It costs ME like 10cents every time someone rings the doorbell, which I can TOTALLY afford, I can, but for a FRIEND maybe, not some freaky serial killer. Yeah, he's a serial killer, cuz only a serial killer would opt for PRESS-PRESS, PRESS-PRESS-PRESS ringing a strangers doorbell.
Skinny stranger dude with a giant handlebar moustache making himself look like a big letter T aka "FREAKY MOUSTACHE GUY": Pointing behind himself at my car, which bizarrely enough is no longer in my driveway, but RATHER in the middle of the road. CRAZY MAN says to me in WAAAY TOO LOUD voice, like he's YELLING, like I'm at the backdoor, but I wasn't I was right in front of him, so it was totally unnecessary, asks "IS THAT YOUR CAR?????!!!!!!!!"
Me: Forgetting about his utter weirdness, his Yosemite Sam meets Stretch Armstrong self "Oh yeah, that's my car." I answer smiling in disbelief like my dog has just wandered away and crapped the BIGGEST CRAP imaginable on my neighbour’s lawn and I'm PROUD of it. Cuz if Simon had had an ENORMOUS crap, I would be happy for him, but know I'd have to go pick it up.
Now, if it's not bad enough to have my total relaxation being interrupted at the exact moment when I'm enjoying the way the sun beams in through the window at these precise time of day, hits my leg in that warm, "hi, I'm summer and I'm here now, winter is so gone, you can totally forget about him" was RIPPED out of my clutches by some skinny handlebar moustache toting cowboy wanna be loud taker and here's what he says next:
(here's the clincher - buckle up)
FREAKY MOUSTACHE GUY in his WAY TOO LOUD VOICE: "YOU FORGOT TO USE YOUR EMERGENCY BRAKE AND YOUR CAR HAS DRIFTED DOWN YOUR LANEWAY, EVERYONE WAS WATCHING. AND OH, BY THE WAY YOUR KEY IS STILL IN YOUR DOOR." (Notice I changed the colour, because this is the colour of his voice, nausiating and such)
Which roughly translates into: "Heh heh, I was right you're a total looooser." Like my key being in the door was all the proof he needed to prove that I was negligent. He used that "Na-na, na, na, na-na" tempo which make me want to punch him in the head, rip off his stupid moustache and shove it down his long thin throat to watch him gag on it and choke to death. Completely unecessary attitude. He was so....Snotty!
I looked at him in disbelief.
He actually said that! Not the you're a loser part, I made that up. But the "Everyone was watching" part. I'm like, yeah, really? Everyone eh? So the crowd just magically disappeared the moment my door opened I guess eh? A magical disappearing crowd of neighbours, yeah, that happens all the time. Maybe they were staring at your moustache! You LOUD SPEAKING skinny letter T freak! Oh, or maybe they're HIDING IN YOUR MOUSTACHE, cuz that's a lot more likely. HEY! EVERYONE COME OUT NOW! IT'S SAFE, THE CAR HAS STOPPED MOVING!!!!
So, naturally I yell out to OMAR "Hey - come see this!!" He missed the total FREAKAZOID, because like his "alleged crowd" he sort of vanished into thin air. Omar was amazed at the sight of the car all the way across the road. I took a picture of it. But I don't really want you to know where I live, cuz you could be as freaky as this guy.
Here's the part I really miss, I didn't have the chance to close on this... I hop into the car, with nobody looking and I mean NOOOOO BODY, I hop into the car and the emergency brake is ON!! I KNOW!! It was so totally ON - pulled up, IN THE UP POSITION. If you were miniature little skiiers, you could totally ski down it. I look around to see if EVERYONE can see! So I can point and say SEE! SEE! The skinny freaky loud moustache T-man was WRONG! WRONG WRONG WRONG....So. Very. Wrong.
Even though I left the key in the door on purpose.... I'm busted on the door key thing. But I own his skinny ass on the emergency brake.
posted by nancycle at
6:01 p.m.
4 Comments:
Okay, this is such a WEIRD story. 1. How did your car drift if the brake was engaged? 2. As weird as this guy was, why were you so fixated on his moustache? 3.Why wouldn't you trust us with a photo of your street? (I have no moustache, I swear!) 4. Where was Omar when all this was happening! Kids are supposed to be attracted to weirdness! Anyway glad nothing bad happened.
Gill-Smoke has a crazy handlebar mustache. I will kill him if he ever acts in such a manner. I can vouch that he has not been in canada in the last week.
lgs - Yes, it is a weird story. 1. because there is a "tender" spot on my emergency brake that is burnt out and doesn't do THE job unless you reef on it. 2. If it wasn't for crse describing Gill-Smoke's mustache, I would have said men just don't wear handbar mustaches very often. I find them eerie as described from my childhood Alfred Hitchcock LP that tells of a musician that changes children into rats. 3. I would trust YOU...I don't trust the wack jobs that I don't know. 4. Omar is usually fully engrossed in his own moment, which happened to be glued to the TV I believe. :) Thanks! Me too. To come clean, I think the majority of my aggression expressed has largely been influenced by listening to too much Dane Cook in my car...
Thanks for your fun comment! :)
crse - Those mustaches totally creep me out.
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