A Couch Snapshot Into My "Crazy"
I just couldn’t do it.
Every cell in my body was reverberating sending a clear signal.
NO!
What was the issue? Was I not wanting to walk into a bar alone? Was I afraid of meeting someone new? Gak! Social anxiety? Heavens NO!! What would THAT mean?!?! Have I become some kind of a homebody (using the word "become" loosely)? Am I still hung up on my last boyfriend? Or was it simply the multiple hours I’ve spent at that club prior to opening and extending past closing when X played there?
I think the answer is plain and simple. I don’t like bars. I’m not big on drinking - I have a sensitive tummy (a.k.a. I puke easily). I don’t smoke. I think pot is a wonderful thing at the right time in the right place, but my lungs can't hack it. I don't like bars, never have and never will.
I do LOVE live entertainment, maybe in a concert setting or an outdoor concert. I would question if I’m anxious about small areas, but quite frankly, I’m tired of analyzing myself. I would consider myself to have a very strong analytical personality. In fact every time I do those Myers Briggs tests, I always get the same results, which roughly translate into almost an even score in every category. Which causes me an immense amount of confusion when I try to figure out a problem because I begin by feeling or thinking and then I analyze and in the end I say foket ~ what’s for supper and move on to something I can enjoy more than an ever-expanding wheel of crazy that just doesn’t stop turning. Like some deranged forest gump hamster at midnight all pumped up on yogurt treats. It's as if some things for me are the world's largest rubix cube with 5000 squares per side and I have zero hope in hell trying to figure them out - so why try? That analytical part of my personality is an anxious scared part that would whittle a tree down to a toothpick to get the answer just right and I just don’t enjoy catering to that. It's a stagnate trapped feeling that just doesn't seem so respect my feeling. Saying NO felt freeing and right.
Guilt.
Blech!
When will I stop putting other people's feelings ahead of my own? Damn it! When?!
ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
On the bright side, I donated to a good cause (or two) and I learned something about myself.
:-)
Every cell in my body was reverberating sending a clear signal.
NO!
What was the issue? Was I not wanting to walk into a bar alone? Was I afraid of meeting someone new? Gak! Social anxiety? Heavens NO!! What would THAT mean?!?! Have I become some kind of a homebody (using the word "become" loosely)? Am I still hung up on my last boyfriend? Or was it simply the multiple hours I’ve spent at that club prior to opening and extending past closing when X played there?
I think the answer is plain and simple. I don’t like bars. I’m not big on drinking - I have a sensitive tummy (a.k.a. I puke easily). I don’t smoke. I think pot is a wonderful thing at the right time in the right place, but my lungs can't hack it. I don't like bars, never have and never will.
I do LOVE live entertainment, maybe in a concert setting or an outdoor concert. I would question if I’m anxious about small areas, but quite frankly, I’m tired of analyzing myself. I would consider myself to have a very strong analytical personality. In fact every time I do those Myers Briggs tests, I always get the same results, which roughly translate into almost an even score in every category. Which causes me an immense amount of confusion when I try to figure out a problem because I begin by feeling or thinking and then I analyze and in the end I say foket ~ what’s for supper and move on to something I can enjoy more than an ever-expanding wheel of crazy that just doesn’t stop turning. Like some deranged forest gump hamster at midnight all pumped up on yogurt treats. It's as if some things for me are the world's largest rubix cube with 5000 squares per side and I have zero hope in hell trying to figure them out - so why try? That analytical part of my personality is an anxious scared part that would whittle a tree down to a toothpick to get the answer just right and I just don’t enjoy catering to that. It's a stagnate trapped feeling that just doesn't seem so respect my feeling. Saying NO felt freeing and right.
Guilt.
Blech!
When will I stop putting other people's feelings ahead of my own? Damn it! When?!
ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
On the bright side, I donated to a good cause (or two) and I learned something about myself.
:-)
posted by nancycle at
10:47 a.m.
2 Comments:
Well if its any consolation, I hate bars too and am planning on spending way too much time in them for my own liking in the next few weeks...You can say no friend...
crse - Thanks for not making fun of my "crazy". I'm glad I didn't go, for whatever the reason.
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