The Theory of "YOU"
Ever notice that at the exact moment a person begins with "You............... ....... ...... ...." that often it’s vaguely reminiscent of the "I" they don’t want to admit to or are unaware of. Thus the saying goes, that what we see in others is what we don’t like about ourselves. Granted there are applications where the accusatory "You............... ....... ...... ...." is completely appropriate as in "You stepped on my toe" - clearly no projection there.
Most recently I experienced this in two different scenarios. One involving a friend who claimed his ex-girlfriend had a fear of commitment. Now, while I believe there may be some truth to that, I don’t think it’s actually fair to say so, especially when she was communicating a more direct reason for ending the relationship "something missing", which I tallied up to the equivilent of in something like a woman having "man hands" or being "unsponge worthy". There are a number of reasons his girl wouldn’t want to commit or move to the next stage in the relationship. Her reasoning was that there was "something missing". Was it a ring? A intimate connection? Was it penis size? Height? Who knows really. But my friend he chalked this up as her being afraid to commit. I say it’s more an issue of she is looking for something else, something more suitable or is just plain not ready. Live and let live. In this instance I have to wonder if perhaps what was missing was his ability to commit a part of himself in an intimate or spiritual way with her and that’s what she sensed was missing. He has moved on, so will history repeat itself is the question? And if so and my YOU theory is correct, again he would withhold his ability to trust and thus commit fully, spiritually and intimately. In this case one would hope he has a partner with very focused and objective communication skills who can articulate what she needs.
The second scenario involves yet another friend who went to her employer to discuss family medical leave. Upon hearing the news of her very ill parent the employer’s response was "You’re emotional right now, why don’t you take some time to clear your head and we can speak then". My friend and I discussed this thinking critically about it later and agreed that indeed had he been overwhelmed by her state and didn’t know how to deal with her or his feelings seeing her that way and so, this would be a perfect YOU projection moment explaining the inappropriate response.
I have found this to be the case most frequently when feelings come into play. Feelings can be strange, sometimes like strangers in the night, that how you will. Although I am without a penis, I can only imagine it's like that unexplainable erection in grade seven math class - often just happens, rise out of seemingly no where ~feelings. Perhaps the "You............... ....... ...... ...." syndrome occurs when a previously denied feeling or delayed feeling comes back around at a more convenient time to be catered to. OR a person has never learned how to deal with a particular emotion in a nurturing way.
The most odd occurrence I’ve ever experienced of "You............... ....... ...... ...." was when I had someone telling me how I felt. Now, granted that can apply again in certain situations "Oh baby, you feel so good!" as opposed to the denial of ones feelings, when I had someone telling me that I wasn’t afraid to fly. I can assure you I was feeling fearful and had felt great anxiety about flying right after 9-11 which carried over to my next flight experience. Classic "You............... ....... ...... ...." situation, only in this case the "You............... ....... ...... ...." was being used to deny someone else’s feelings rather then project uncomfortable feelings.
So, there YOU have it. ;-)
My YOU Theory.
NOTE: While looking for a graphic of "finger pointing" I located this web page which says what I was trying to say much more eloquently and would have saved me some time had I found it first! LOL
GREAT READ!
http://www.colostate.edu/Depts/Speech/rccs/theory60.htm
Most recently I experienced this in two different scenarios. One involving a friend who claimed his ex-girlfriend had a fear of commitment. Now, while I believe there may be some truth to that, I don’t think it’s actually fair to say so, especially when she was communicating a more direct reason for ending the relationship "something missing", which I tallied up to the equivilent of in something like a woman having "man hands" or being "unsponge worthy". There are a number of reasons his girl wouldn’t want to commit or move to the next stage in the relationship. Her reasoning was that there was "something missing". Was it a ring? A intimate connection? Was it penis size? Height? Who knows really. But my friend he chalked this up as her being afraid to commit. I say it’s more an issue of she is looking for something else, something more suitable or is just plain not ready. Live and let live. In this instance I have to wonder if perhaps what was missing was his ability to commit a part of himself in an intimate or spiritual way with her and that’s what she sensed was missing. He has moved on, so will history repeat itself is the question? And if so and my YOU theory is correct, again he would withhold his ability to trust and thus commit fully, spiritually and intimately. In this case one would hope he has a partner with very focused and objective communication skills who can articulate what she needs.
The second scenario involves yet another friend who went to her employer to discuss family medical leave. Upon hearing the news of her very ill parent the employer’s response was "You’re emotional right now, why don’t you take some time to clear your head and we can speak then". My friend and I discussed this thinking critically about it later and agreed that indeed had he been overwhelmed by her state and didn’t know how to deal with her or his feelings seeing her that way and so, this would be a perfect YOU projection moment explaining the inappropriate response.
I have found this to be the case most frequently when feelings come into play. Feelings can be strange, sometimes like strangers in the night, that how you will. Although I am without a penis, I can only imagine it's like that unexplainable erection in grade seven math class - often just happens, rise out of seemingly no where ~feelings. Perhaps the "You............... ....... ...... ...." syndrome occurs when a previously denied feeling or delayed feeling comes back around at a more convenient time to be catered to. OR a person has never learned how to deal with a particular emotion in a nurturing way.
The most odd occurrence I’ve ever experienced of "You............... ....... ...... ...." was when I had someone telling me how I felt. Now, granted that can apply again in certain situations "Oh baby, you feel so good!" as opposed to the denial of ones feelings, when I had someone telling me that I wasn’t afraid to fly. I can assure you I was feeling fearful and had felt great anxiety about flying right after 9-11 which carried over to my next flight experience. Classic "You............... ....... ...... ...." situation, only in this case the "You............... ....... ...... ...." was being used to deny someone else’s feelings rather then project uncomfortable feelings.
So, there YOU have it. ;-)
My YOU Theory.
NOTE: While looking for a graphic of "finger pointing" I located this web page which says what I was trying to say much more eloquently and would have saved me some time had I found it first! LOL
GREAT READ!
http://www.colostate.edu/Depts/Speech/rccs/theory60.htm
posted by nancycle at
11:07 a.m.
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