Saturday, December 02, 2006


The Leah wall toppled over this morning. I try to anticipate it every year, but days pile up and I put it all behind me. Days of missing, days of trying to forget and then somewhere close to the anniversary date as I come too close to that teetering wall of grief, it tumbles over on me and transforms into raining tear drops like those passing rain showers that we experienced that time in Jamaica... I wonder how I could honour my love for her when times like this come around, but I’m at a loss. I’m terrified to see her hubby or the kids. I never want to go back to that day ever again. I hate to be petrified by fear. Damn. Damn Life. I could go to Montreal. Or I could do nothing at all and build little walls all year.

OR. ORRRRRR…..I could make a point of heading out today and buy some glass! (We used to cut glass together amongst many other completely legal activies :-))

In other news….

You don’t need a license to drive a sandwich. You really don’t.

For all you bubble blowing babies, here’s a movie that will
knock your socks off.

A story for
REAL men


Sorry….But it just never gets old at our place! I don’t know how many times we’ve seen it. For those who haven’t seen it, you’re missing “The Hoff” and the immortal transcending wisdom that only Sponge Bob Square Pants can deliver.

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Friday, December 01, 2006

It's Beginning To Look Alot Like Heart Failure...

Or ... "It's beginning to look a lot like whiplash..." Sing that one on the way into the office.

How does my week end?

I’ll tell ya. The freezing rain started around noon in the East end, after traveling back to our Branch in the West end was NO problem. I’m thankful that mom and X helped me out, I had asked if they could get the “snow boots” put on my car while I was in Toronto a few weeks ago.

Here’s the hairy part. Back at the branch I walk in early afternoon and Dori-doll tells me she put the travel plans on my desk, I leave on Sunday.

Travel plans?! Sunday?!

YEAH. I’ve been booked to leave on Sunday for two weeks!

Well, that’s not gonna happen.
I told our Branch Manager that I was still breathing, but I needed his help to sort this out - he did and told me not to worry about it. I might go down for a day or two max. But one day travel notice? Somebody screwed up. …. Gosh, I hope it wasn’t me…;-)

The snow hit! Two to three inches fell sometime between 3pm and 5pm today. Omar put on his snow pants and boots before we left day care tonight and jumped outta the car before it had even come to a stop. Right now, he’s out in the backyard with his dog , his sled and the Canada hat he earned running the 1km on Canada day (it's sooo cute). “I’m building a fort mom!” Smiles all around.

Happiness is, SNOW!

Oh...gotta go. The Prince wants hot chocolate outside in his "fort" (I think he's under the stairs).

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Monday, November 27, 2006

Fifty Percent of....

One hundred things about me:

1. I don’t like wire coat hangers.
2. Skinny Dipping – I will take any and every opportunity to swim without a suit. I am sure to make this an annual occurrence up at the lake. I believe it’s my right to swim without clothes.
3. Insects: I can kill a spider, but I prefer to catch them and release them (I have one trapped for release right now). The same goes for most creatures that enter my home. Mosquitoes and earwigs are free for the killing. Ladybugs, dragonflies and wasps regularly land on me in the summer, the wasps don’t sting me. I would not want to kill a ladybug or dragonfly.
4. My faith is very important to me, while I’ve maintained that I reject organized religion, I do have a close personal relationship with God on “our” terms. It would be important to me that my spouse have faith and morals that align with mine.
5. I have gone skydiving and I am a member of the mile high club.
6. I can be severely critical towards myself without even realizing it.
7. I’ve gone back in my life and done my “digging in the dirt”. I’ve lived to tell about it.
8. I don’t think I’m yet doing what God has intended for me to do.
9. I am sincerely blessed with generous, caring, thoughtful, responsible, hardworking, friends. I do think we could all be having more fun though!
10. More than anything I deeply miss having someone around to share life with.
11. I look forward to winter and snow every year. Being on the “slender” side, I love the insulated feeling of putting a sweater, snowpants, hat, mittens, boots…It’s a very safe, protected feeling and the snow falling might be one of the most beautiful experiences in life to be had. Snow angels, tobogganing, sucking in cold fresh air…I could go on and on…. :-) Happiness IS…Winter.
12. I use the “clean enough” methodology when cleaning my house. As an added bonus for the oh-so-busy single mother, while mopping the floors, don’t miss the dishwasher’s rinse cycle for an unexpected steam facial. Mmm-mmm…Deeelightful!
13. I love Christmas and couldn’t imagine being with someone who didn’t.
14. I enjoy being in Hockey arenas big and small. There’s just something…Right about it.
15. I got stung by a bee for the first time this summer, I was giving my dog a hug and the bee was catching a ride in his fur. It is appropriately named a sting, because it stung!
16. I write from the heart and catch most of my spelling mistakes after I post and reread. Most of the time I’m embarrassed and I’m afraid people will think I’m stoopid…That being said, I often leave the mistakes anyway.
17. I can’t function well in the morning until I’ve had a shower.
18. I’ve kept journals since I was a kid and began blogging online in 2001.
19. I think Martha Stewart’s the devil.
20. I have something I WANT to share, but I can't share here because I’m afraid of how I’d feel about it later.

21. I'm just beginning to get comfortable letting go of the dream of having a husband and another child. It’s painful to imagine. Just typing makes me tear up.
22. I went into dentistry to be a hygienist. I wanted to work with children (adults too, but primarily children) in an Orthodontic practice. I loved the idea of creating new smiles for children.
23. All of my primary teeth were rotten. It’s a long story about how that came to be. My self esteem suffered a great deal because of it. I still smiled for my school pictures and you can see my awful teeth in the pictures. I remember overhearing a family member saying how awful my teeth were, I was crushed. I was suppose to be in bed. I was thrilled to lose my first baby tooth subsequently. I am very happy with my adult teeth.
24. I was bullied from Grade One to Grade Five. I beat the bully up in Grade Six.
25. I often have a really hard time saying bad things about people. I can always hear my mother’s voice “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all”. I have a tendancy to be chronically understanding. I've been told I'm too nice.
26. I have a fantasy about not sleeping with my husband until our wedding night.
27. I worry about the planet.
28. I don’t often admit how hard things are for me.
29. I have a very unique way of eating caramel cakes.
30. I have one brother who is 4 yrs older than I am. I love him very much. We have many wonderful memories – which include the ones where he tortures me. He's a riot.
31. I was born at the Grace Hospital, which I think is nice because Nancy means “Graceful One”.
32. My mother is a twin, I was raised in house #11, my favourite number has always been 11, my baseball jersey is #11, I was born on the 1st, I often look at the clock at 11:11 and double digits have always been prominent in my life. My son’s father’s birthday is 2-22-66.
33. I keep a secret stash of chocolate in the fridge in with the eggs in case of emergency. Usually it’s a Skor bar (right now it’s a Skor and a Caramilk bar). It took me a year to polish off a GIANT dark chocolate bar. It was best melted with clemantine oranges. I love chocolate fondue with fruit.
34. I got pregnant the one and only time I had sex without protection, which goes to show that God is indeed and opportunist. It was Mother's Day.
35. I dreamt about my son before I knew I was pregnant and I saw his face. It’s just as I dreamt and so is his personality. I also dreamt I had little fish in my hair - which I figured meant I was thinking about having X's child (he is a Pisces) "on my mind" literally.
36. I have made a point of continuing to love and care for my son’s father and to speak well of him around Omar. I miss him sometimes. I am very thankful that we are still good friends.
37. What I love about being a woman is being able to feel all of my feelings and fully interpret them.
38. I love being a mom and I loved being pregnant and breast-feeding.
39. I had a goal to have a child before I turned thirty. I came in six months under the wire on that one!
40. In my dream life, I wouldn’t have to work while my child(ren) were growing up. I would work/volunteer at their school and take care of the home.
41. When I was little, I used to pee on the bathmat after bath while I squatted and waited for a towel. It seemed like the perfect crime because my mom would think it was warm bath water and it was punishment to her for making me wait for a towel – it was so cold especially when she’d open the door!
42. I dogpile, I don’t google.

43. I am simply horrible at decorating. Someday I may employ a home decorator. I’m embarrassed to have people over.
44. I am terrible at staying mad or holding a grudge. It’s a weakness.

45. When we die, I hope that in heaven there is a “What If” machine, where you can dial in different choices ie. What if I had moved to British Columbia. Then you pull a lever like the kind on slot machines and it would play the outcome of your life. Then you dial in another and another until you’re satisfied.
46. I had a home cleaning business for three years.
47. I am looking forward to cross-country and downhill skiing this year. Skating too.
48. I was really let down that my last relationship didn’t work out. Albeit foolishly, I left myself dream about meeting his children and having them up to the country and playing up there with them and letting them sleep in the tree house and having them meet Omar…I truly hope he’s found what he’s looking for. What a tit eh?

49. I am a book snob.
50. It seems safe to give up on dreaming or hoping anything romantic, wonderful or lasting will ever happen for me.


Sunday, November 26, 2006

A Couch Snapshot Into My "Crazy"

I just couldn’t do it.

Every cell in my body was reverberating sending a clear signal.


What was the issue? Was I not wanting to walk into a bar alone? Was I afraid of meeting someone new? Gak! Social anxiety? Heavens NO!! What would THAT mean?!?! Have I become some kind of a homebody (using the word "become" loosely)? Am I still hung up on my last boyfriend? Or was it simply the multiple hours I’ve spent at that club prior to opening and extending past closing when X played there?

I think the answer is plain and simple. I don’t like bars. I’m not big on drinking - I have a sensitive tummy (a.k.a. I puke easily). I don’t smoke. I think pot is a wonderful thing at the right time in the right place, but my lungs can't hack it. I don't like bars, never have and never will.

I do LOVE live entertainment, maybe in a concert setting or an outdoor concert. I would question if I’m anxious about small areas, but quite frankly, I’m tired of analyzing myself. I would consider myself to have a very strong analytical personality. In fact every time I do those Myers Briggs tests, I always get the same results, which roughly translate into almost an even score in every category. Which causes me an immense amount of confusion when I try to figure out a problem because I begin by feeling or thinking and then I analyze and in the end I say foket ~ what’s for supper and move on to something I can enjoy more than an ever-expanding wheel of crazy that just doesn’t stop turning. Like some deranged forest gump hamster at midnight all pumped up on yogurt treats. It's as if some things for me are the world's largest rubix cube with 5000 squares per side and I have zero hope in hell trying to figure them out - so why try? That analytical part of my personality is an anxious scared part that would whittle a tree down to a toothpick to get the answer just right and I just don’t enjoy catering to that. It's a stagnate trapped feeling that just doesn't seem so respect my feeling. Saying NO felt freeing and right.



When will I stop putting other people's feelings ahead of my own? Damn it! When?!


On the bright side, I donated to a good cause (or two) and I learned something about myself.


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